Goodbye, California

  • RM 402

    My home since December 18th, 2021. It’s a hard goodbye but I am beyond thankful for how everything worked out. If you are ever traveling for a long period of time, go to a Homewood Suites. The rooms are incredible, amenities are worth it, and if the fire alarm goes off at 3AM just be thankful that they work. It’s hard to also say goodbye to a job I’ve worked at for almost 4 years. The coworkers are like family and the guests have been so kind. My heart hurts but it will mend over time.

  • Packed Up & Ready

    God humbled me during this process. Everything I bought and had to make my previous studio a warm and safe home had to be left behind. I should have never spent my money on these things and this is why I never had furniture. I am always apprehensive about stability. It may have sucked to get rid of books and book cases, organizers and sewing machines, but this will be a clean slate.

  • Cincinnati Bound

    I have an incredible job offer taking me to Cincinnati, OH. I plan to arrive on Friday, but still have zero clue where I am going to live. My credit is just below 600 so I would need a co-signer if I got an apartment, but I don’t have that as an option. Thankfully people have helped me financially thus far and I am so incredibly grateful. Money will still be a day to day process so if you feel inclined to donate, Venmo is: @invidiamortis! If you know anyone in Cincinnati, OH who has a room for rent close to TQL headquarters, PLEASE scroll towards the contact portion of this page and let me know ASAP.

Life Updates

Where it Started

I am a thirty-something female living in southern California. I won’t go into a life story but my life has never been dull. I’ve been reluctant to do this because outwardly admitting where I am at is difficult. For the past few years, I have been picking up broken pieces trying to fix myself, but also trying to break a cycle of poor decisions. Last year I was on a misguided mission to create a home and safe place for myself. My mistake then was not preparing for the inevitable. I knew I wasn’t going to stay there forever. I faced financial failure and attempted to change my bad habits after accepting my own inadequacies.

While attempting to navigate financial freedom and figure out what that looked like, it was too late. I needed to leave, and fast. Queue in the kindness of my employer, but hold onto the foreshadow of complication to the present. I packed up everything I owned. Dismantled my safe space and said goodbye. I’ve been living in a hotel since then. Technically, I am homeless. 

Since I’ve lived here I haven’t worried about my commute, which used to be a three-mile walk after midnight. I’ve gained weight and secluded myself in the walls of my work. My discount allows me to afford the rent, but barely. I tried to regain my footing financially but set back after set back I started to drown. 

The thing with consequences is that sometimes the repercussions of the decisions you make aren’t immediate. My depression nullified my determination and I turned a blind eye to mistake after mistake. I sunk deeper into this unspoken darkness that drove my anxiety to a place that I haven’t been to in a long time. 

I am honest about my struggles but I don’t like being vulnerable. I hold back the whole truth. I hesitate on what I share because I know I’ll be judged on my failures. Shame prevents me from maintaining friendships or even finding another community to be a part of since I moved back to Oxnard. Trusting people has been very difficult for me because I’ve opened up to even family when I’ve just tried to admit where I am at and what I am trying to work through. My weakness is weaponized and I find myself alone, again.

I’ve packed what I need, am giving up what’s not useful for right now, and I refuse to leave my cat, Leviticus, behind. I have to leave the hotel on August 1st. This is where my situation becomes complicated. I haven’t placed my notice for work because I just need a place to live and what if something came up. However, rent out here is far more than I can afford, even WITH a roommate. I don’t have a car so I rely on public transportation or my own two legs. If I move far enough away I would not be able to keep the same job I’ve had for almost four years.

If you can’t donate or don’t know of any resources, please share with someone who you think may be able to help. I’m willing to move to a new state, work a new job, and BE AVAILABLE! The money I do receive will go to paying debt, providing the funds to move, and helping me survive this season of life.

For Donations: Venmo @invidiamortis

CONTACT

If I’m being honest.

  • I hate who I see in the mirror.

    I am the heaviest I have ever been and I don’t even recognize who I see anymore. Eating healthy isn’t convenient. I haven’t been able to purchase groceries in months. By the grace of God and the kindness of others, I’ve been able to be given free food here and there, but my options are high carbs, high sugar, and highly processed. My physical activity is slim to none for the most part. Depression took over and I feel like I slept away this year. It was easier for me to nap than acknowledge how hungry I was.

    I don’t say this for pity. I say this for transparency. I am fighting an internal battle this season and this is how I process my life. I firmly believe that what you put in your body can affect your mind and even emotions. I’m in this vicious cycle of subtle destruction and I pray for a season of stability.

  • I'm not as productive as you think.

    I can’t control what happens to me but I can control how organized I am. I can control spreadsheets, templates, and what I put in my planner. Everything could be chaos around me but my calendar and task list would be color-coded and time-stamped.

    I took time to reassess my vision for my new LLC and after tons of money I don’t have and unnecessary subscriptions, I revamped my approach. I have successfully launched my first printable bundles and this is only the beginning. I am excited about the fact that I accomplished something so huge and went in completely blind. I am still learning, but I am putting the time and energy into what I love.

  • I wanted to give up.

    I have battled depression and anxiety for a long time. I’ve had my fair share of dark days and morbid thoughts, but this year has been different. I started to believe that life would be so much easier if I wasn’t here. That I was causing more complications in the lives of others. Then I started to think about who would take care of Leviticus.

    Each year her personality blossoms more and more. When she first demanded to live with me she never would really ‘bake biscuits’ or cuddle. It’s taken me so much time to show her she is safe with me. From bath time to nail trims, to snuggles now, and even cat nip requests. I could not imagine leaving her to think I left. She was my reason. God blessed me with this chonker and I rejoice every night.